Stand Back, I am Crabbing

I think the worst damage that dieting has done to my way of thinking is that I am forever perplexed about how much food to eat.  I am doing quite well on going back to three meals a day, I am mindful of how much I put on my plate and I am not eating seconds.  Still, I have a nagging feeling that I am eating too much because I am not hungry.  I believe the point of eating normally is to not be hungry.  Years of dieting and bingeing have kept me in the extremes and to be in the middle ground is elusive and intangible to me.  I feel uncomfortable and unsure every time I sit down to eat.  Am I eating too much?  Shouldn’t I be more hungry?  I am so tempted to go back to my bowl to bring me a peace of mind about amounts.  At least there is the comfort of knowing only so much food can go into the bowl.  A plate still confounds me.  I have really tried to feel okay with a plate, but the spaces between the food make me see the food as a small amount.  I feel like I am placing food directly on the table and it just looks so expansive.  Granted it is easier to eat from a plate, especially with a knife and fork, but a bowl is more nurturing.  Mind-set, I know, but I am yearning for comfort when feeling a lack of direction.

I have been crabby and moody all weekend.  Listless, aching, and wishing to be free of everything that brings me down.  When a drug addict stops taking drugs, what fills up the space that the addiction filled?  I feel that way about giving up dieting.  Now what?  My mind cannot help but get stuck in the old ruts.  How much to eat?  Does this have too many carbs?  Should I worry about trace amounts of grain and sugar in sausages?  What do I write about in my diet blog? Perhaps this is all the gloomy crabbiness making me crazy.  Maybe a new direction?

I polished my bowl up, there was a smile about that.  On Thursday, I was in the throes of fighting off a binge at the store.  So great was the struggle that I ended up grabbing a low carb binge, duck pate and extra thick cream.  Wowzers, was that every bit as good as I could have imagined.  I must do that every time I am hit with a binge urge….super high fat creamy deliciousness.  BTW, both the cream and the pate were on sale, and that benefitted my grocery allowance!

Here is the “binge”.  See how lovely that thick cream is?  It tastes fabulous too!  The usual cheddar with butter still is a favourite too.  I sheepishly felt a ray of happiness filter in through the crabbiness jut because I was eating from my beloved bowl.

Normally I put mayonnaise on pate.  This is a different taste and very pleasing.

At lunch, I had the herring my husband bought for me.  Unfortunately the mustard sauce it was in was terribly sweet.  I didn’t eat the sauce, only what clung to the fish.  The other bowl was some leftover veggies from the night before and that was warmed up and I ate with my herring.

 

This is the plate I am using.  I did move to the plate because it bothered my husband that I seemed to be eating so little when using the bowl as compared to his plate.  This plate gives the impression I am eating so much more, but honestly, I feel stuffed eating this much. 

I need to give this bowl vs. plate another re-think.  I could simply put less on the plate.  I like the heaviness of the plate and it does go with my cup and saucer, and the little bowl I also love, the white one with the green stripe in the photo above.  Sigh.  Trading one obsession with another. 

I have 5 days of low carb under my belt, 6 days of morning walks.  As soon as the crabby mood lets go, I am sure I will be feeling much better.  The more time passes that my body is clearing a path to ketosis, the better my outlook.  For now, call me Queen of Crabbiness.

Boundaries

I have been reluctant to write in my blog, even though I continue to write in my diary on the computer.  Some of it just had to be freeform screaming as I try and settle on what the hell I am trying to do or not do.  In the new diary software I mentioned last week, I am finding a new and novel way to record what is going on that I can see at a glance and perhaps make connections.  One of the features is called Life Factors that I can list or chart.  I like it.  I can see how the week is going.

This is in the diary section, down at the bottom it shows the words I have set up to say what I am feeling, thinking, doing.  It can be done as a graph, but I prefer the simple words.  The upper sections shows the diary entries, with part of the first sentence.  There is also a scheduler and task section.  I am still playing around, finding a balance between nice record keeping and over zealousness.  I need it to be useful, not complicated.  You can see the nutritional verbiage up at the top, but in the free version that I use, it is not available.  I tried it by downloading a trial of the bigger version, but I found it was not at all like a nutritional software, but more of a way to figure out the calories of a recipe and make a shopping list.  With no food database, every single food would have to be entered to build one.  I uninstalled it and went back to the free version which has everything I need.

This past week has been a rollercoaster ride.  Nothing bad or dramatic, but enough ups and downs to make me call a personal time out.  I was so determined this week to eat low carb and yet I still struggled several times with near binges.  I mean the kind where I am standing in the grocery aisles, placing binge food in my basket, changing my mind and putting it back, only to find myself walking around and around the shop in the throes of indecision.  In fact, the whole week was one long mess of indecision.  I averted two major binges and felt pretty shaky afterwards because they were so close to happening.  My body is full of unhealthy rumblings, from gastric distress to outright hip pain.

At the same time, I am trying not to over react or wallow in it all.  I am still having trouble finding the balance I am seeking in all things.  I struggle to find the right amount of food to eat.  I feel I am still eating too much in the mornings and can barely eat dinner.  I am finding I am not digesting my food and can feel a full stomach even after a full night’s sleep.  I have been indecisive about this too. I have toyed all week with whether to go back to my small bowl, simply eat less frequently, to wanting to binge to wanting to go LCHF it all the way. 

So I took a deep breath and decided I needed some sort of direction, a plan and a way to know if I am staying close to my ideals.  I don’t do well on winging it (and I do worse on overly strict rules!).  Tried and true guidelines are always the most comforting to return to.  I needed to go back to 3 meals a day.  Having implemented tea time and after dinner coffee has given me two more times a day to eat that is truly unnecessary.  If I binge, there is another food feast opportunity.  I actually do well with the structure of 3 meals, I like dropping the ambiguity of snacks.  I am more comfortable finding the right amount to eat at a meal, a snack defies logic in my fretful mind.  There is one pressing issue that needs addressing, that is the treats husband brings home for after dinner coffee.  It will help me to hang tight to a rule of not eating unless it is a meal.  After dinner coffee for me means coffee and cream, no food of any kind.  Tea means tea alone and no snacks, teacakes, etc.  I guess bingeing will have to be during a meal time….sitting down at a table.  That will take the fun out of it!

My meals continue on as they usually are:

Breakfast between 5 and 7am, eggs and rashers

Lunch between 11 and 1pm, meat and fat

Dinner between 4 and 6pm, meat and veggies

As a side note, whenever husband and I decide to stick to the three meals there is a tendency to eat the next meal too early.  I put a window of two hours for each meal as a guideline, giving us both a chance to coordinate the day’s activities with meals and make sure we do have a meals within that time.  For me, if I cannot eat during that window of time, I wait until the next meal.

Carb wise, I am not counting.  I have a viewpoint that adding as much fat as I can to eat meal is my aim, sticking to meats, eggs, all veggies, fats and as little commercially made food as I can.  I will continue to eat sausages, but will have a simple rule that I won’t eat more than one meal of them a day.  If I decide to have a sauce, it will be with one meal a day and then something like sausages cannot be eaten that same day.  This is just to prevent the carbs from adding up too fast.  I want the majority of my carbs to be veggies.  I don’t eat potatoes or legumes, but may have a sweet potato now and then.

The next decision is another simple one.  I need fresh air and to move my body just a bit more than I do now.  I am dealing with an arthritic hip that has flared up in this cold and wet weather of Scotland.  So without getting it all bound up  by rules of the time, distance or pace, the simple and doable solution is to walk around the block every day, rain or shine.  Simple.  It’s far enough to make me breathe in fresh air and get my hip rotating.  If I am up to it, I can certainly walk longer, but the minimum is the block we live on.  I get a chance to feel the weather, sense the activities and I feel so much better when I do this without making it a weight loss component.  I have walked the last three days and it feels nice, even in the rain!

Sorry this is getting so long, just wanted to clear my own mind of what I am striving for by not dieting and have a sense where my boundaries ought to be for peace of mind. 

Close Call

I took a walk in the icy cold morning.  It was only 7am, but I was determined to have some fresh air.  I walked through the park, noted there was only one white swan and a couple of ducks, the rest were gulls.  I walked back towards the town hall hoping to time it to 8am when the shop opened.

Before I left for the walk, I had written in my journal, determined not to binge today and to stay as low carb as I could.  When I walked into the store, not 4 feet in the door and my hand reached for a package of tea cakes.  I set it back on the shelf.  I wanted to see what else would pull me, as I gathered the necessary food items, I seemed to be distracted with how much I was going to end up having to carry because we needed potatoes and the sack weight 7.5kgs.  Ouch.  So two heavy bags of frozen food, one heavy bag of potatoes and my cane, I was struggling a bit to walk home, but made it.  Between it being too cold to be out for long and the struggle of carrying, once in the door I decided not to go back for teacakes.  Honestly, I felt I missed an opportunity for food comforting.  Especially after the marital incident last night that upset me unduly.

I made tea and a tea plate of cheddar cheese with butter on top and a boiled egg with mayo.

I had already had my usual eggs and rashers for breakfast and I was not really hungry, but it gave me a sense of peace to eat something when I did not bring home the goodies.

I ate lunch about 11am.

That’s a couple of pats of butter in the last photo.  I also poured any remaining beef drippings from the pan.  I really thought this would suffice until dinner but no.  I found myself pacing the floor an hour later wanting to binge so bad that I was scanning the cupboards as though I would find something.

It’s now time to feed the beast and so I put in double the beef drippings in the pan, cut up a couple of cumberlands and added eggs.  I poured the extra fat on the mixture once it was in the bowl.  I added a bit of shredded cheddar too.  It was so good and I felt the extra fat and protein helped.  I’ve had four or five pots of tea  and there is still dinner to prepare in about 3 more hours.

While my usual panic about eating too much was beginning to kick in, I soon realized how stupid that was, I mean I was within inches of bingeing on tea cakes this morning!  Why on earth should I feel guilt eating the food I need to eat to get back into ketosis?  And if I am not counting anything, what does it matter?  In a few days it will begin to settle itself.  Right now, my body is seeking the addictive grain and sugar carbs and giving me a bit of protest.

That was the best I could do for the day and hopefully tomorrow I can be extra aware and perhaps cook up rashers instead of cumberlands for an even lower carb intake.

I Surrender

I have been writing but nothing of interest is coming out of it.  It’s a bit of distraction, a bit of tiredness and needing to disconnect from all things food related for a little while.

It is very much a part of the bigger cycle I go through, the diet/binge/diet/binge/step away from it all/reorganize/diet/binge….etc.  Nothing new there either.  After many years of this, one loses interest in reviving it once again.  I think all of my familiar patterns are losing their identity and most certainly their power over me.  Whereas they were once all consuming and intense, I just can’t be bothered with it anymore.  I want ease and comfort to offset the discomforts of aging and a body that has taken on a loud voice in the last few years.  I am not only sick of dieting, I am bored with it.  And strangely, that applies to bingeing too.  The last time I attempted it, I literally thought, “why isn’t this fun or exciting anymore?”

One day I am lamenting about the lack of control.  Another day I am determined to get back into ketosis.  Still another day I could care less about it all.  For the last couple of years my enthusiasm has lost it’s sheen.  I don’t want to be wrapped up in it anymore.  Frankly I am boring myself to death, and the end of the road is just around the corner metaphorically speaking.  I hope the day I die I didn’t spend it counting what I ate and fretting over the numbers.

In the blame game, I will point the finger at me.  I would rather point it at my diet, or parents, or my husband or whatever is the current irritant in my life, but it doesn’t do them or me any good.  I have written oodles of odes to the source of my obesity and still I am fat.  I’ve navigated strict and measured diets to winging it on Zen and a prayer.  There have been many moments of enlightened clarity and far more foggy, dank and dreary years of being lost.  I am being melodramatic to prove a point….that’s all it has been, one big melodrama of obesity and the never ending saga of what to do about it.

I am becoming extremely grateful for the new low carb guru’s who are not trying to tell everyone how to diet, but instead present an incredible link to research that has been purposely and politically ignored about why the foods we are eating today are killing us.  When Atkins came out, he sounded like a used car salesman to me and the “trust me I know what is best for you and don’t worry about the reasons this works” approach left most low carbers thinking of it as a quick weight loss diet and not a permanent way of eating.  I think that was Atkin’s big mistake, which is surprising considering the fight he had on his hands over the book.  Anyways, I am not interested in writing about Atkin’s, I just wanted to point out that I fell into the same trap of thinking that low carb was just another way to lose weight and manage my blood sugars and I had hoped that somewhere down the road I would not have to be quite as strict as during the dieting phase and that is where I have been completely and utterly wrong ALL OF MY DIETING LIFE.

Realizing this has not been a Nirvana moment.  It’s been an internal fight, I daresay a more difficult fight than just the binge/diet cycling.  I thought the answer to my obesity was interwoven in the number of calories consumed, or the number of carbs.  I thought whether I was working out in a gym or walking a certain number of steps was going to let me have before and after photo’s and a sense of accomplishment.  I stayed stuck in that kind of thinking for over 30 years!  I believed the hype of eat less, exercise more. 

I feel like I have been brainwashed and I am angry about it.  I feel like I have been moulded and shaped and pushed and shoved all of my life about my weight, size and appearance.  Worst of all, I believed it was all true.  It took becoming a middle aged woman to realize that there is no hope of ever being able to fit into the mould no matter what I do.  What does that mean?  I have wasted an entire life making an effort that in the end did not matter.  I never had the right premise to begin with.

So what is the right premise?  Stop eating like an idiot and eat sensibly.  Figure out what foods cause discomfort/weight gain/pain/lethargy…etc. and stop eating them.  Stop obsessing about it all and simply incorporate it into one’s everyday life with no more to-do than brushing one’s teeth or getting dressed.  Today I wave the white flag of surrender.  I am eating LCHF because I like how it feels.  I am not doing it because I may lose weight or I will prevent my diabetes from getting worse (medical conditions rarely make people change their habits).  I am not doing it because it is popular or because I will die if I don’t.  I won’t weigh myself more than once a month because I am not a number on a scale.  I will walk when I need fresh air and I will eat to nourish myself.  I am waving the white flag, I surrender, I did not win the battle on obesity.  If I ever talk about going on a diet again, fine me £300.

Not Doing Well, But Hanging On

I have taken a bit of a break “from it all”. Sometimes I find myself too obsessed with food, proper diet and even on how I feel about it all that I feel disconnected to the other things in my life that matter to me. I do need to strive for a better balance.

http://fileforum.betanews.com/detail/Smart-Diary-Suite-Free-Edition/1248366613/1

I found a new diary software that I am trying out. The old I have used for years was a simple one (IDailyDiary) and I like writing there first and then taking from it whatever I wanted to post to a blog, or as in many cases, I got my rant out of my system there and wrote about something else on the blog.

This new diary not only has the writing place, but also a task manager, a schedule, a reminder feature and a quite wonderful feature, Life Factors. This sits off to the side of the diary and you can set it up to monitor anything from moods, to illness, to whether you stay on your goals. It can be numerical or text or even smiley faces or other images. It is very useful and I think for me, as I do not want to count and measure things numerically, I can still keep track on how my body feels, what my mood is, whether I took my walk.

These things can be simply clicked on and it creates a chart to show the changes. This charting can show the relationship over time of possible connections like the weather and mood. The best part…it’s free. I am still trying to decide on what to track. It comes with s default groupings of Body, Mind and Matter. I set it up to track where my binge thoughts come and go, the weather, my mood, whether I am low carb, high carb or on a ketogenic level for the day (which I do need to define yet what that would mean for each level). It has a wonderful wizard to help you set up what and how to track something.

In other “news” I went for a walk the other day and barely made it home.  My arthritic hip went berserk and I was in a lot of pain.  This being on top of my digestive problems and let me just say I am feeling pretty down about my body these days.  I gave in and went to the charity shop and bought a walking stick, or cane.  I had to walk with one for a year back in my 20’s after the first acute attack.  I was so glad to discard it.  Now it is back again. Sigh.

Husband found the walking stick yesterday, which I had hoped was significantly hidden behind the umbrella’s. So I had to explain. I hate doing that, because I hate to admit that my body is falling apart and while he knows of my arthritic hip, I was hoping to hide the need for the cane. I told him of the incident yesterday, but also tried to drop the subject as soon as possible. I felt a bit of embarrassment. As I prepared dinner, I confronted my thoughts about that and told myself gently that I have to consider what is going on with my body these days and that it is wholly within my power to work it out as best I can. So what, if I have to take my walks right now with cane? At least I am walking! So what if I am not losing weight right now, at least I am eating low carb and healthy!

I have been seriously wasting time mulling over calories and ‘enth degrees of micro-nutrients and not seeing what is going on with my over-all sense of wellbeing. I went for my walk this morning. The walking stick took time to adjust to, after awhile, I found the stride. I noticed that later in the walk I felt relief to have it, not that it helped the discomfort of pain, but it was reassuring. When I got back I was able to put it away and walk the short distance to the shop for some carrots, apples and unfortunately 4 croissants and a package of digestives (dark chocolate).

To my credit, I did put other things in my basket and put them back. I went from wanting asian noodles to fish and chips to crisps, to teacakes and various things were decided on and undecided on. At one point I nearly put back the biscuits and croissants, but in a weird and unexplainable way, I was irritated that I was going through this and just sort of stamped my foot and said the hell with it. All was eaten by 10am, dinner was at 4:30 (low carb) and so my plan is to just give it another go tomorrow. A walk and a keto LCHF plan. I am leaving off feeling bad about it, and embracing that I did walk today.

Pain with Eating

I was going to wait until Monday to update, but I feel like talking it out a bit.

This past couple of weeks have been awful, but interesting.  My digestion problems are continuing to plague me.  For a whole week I was fatigued, had bouts of nausea and the oddest thing: feeling like I am going to burst after a small to normal meal as though I had consumed more than my stomach could hold. At first, I thought I had gotten extremely sensitive to any foods/drink outside my normal low carb intake.  Then it started to feel like I was eating way too much, but when I looked at my plate, it didn’t seem right.

8 inch plate.  This meal made me feel as though I was going to burst.  I really felt pain in my upper stomach.  It passes after about 20 minutes.  I have stopped eating this much.

5 inch plate.  This caused the same amount of pain, although only for a few minutes. (minced beef patty with cheddar).

What could fit in the palm of my hand hurt to eat.

The last 4 days, when I ate a meal, I quickly went zooming past satiety to down right pain as though stuffed to the gills.  The wave of nausea, the pain high in the stomach, well I started to think this is not normal and something is going on.  I know I have slow digestion, but something else is going on.

On Friday, I ate 3 croissants with butter at 9am.  I could not believe the pain and discomfort.  By 5pm I was still uncomfortable and had not eaten another bite. I tried to eat dinner, but got so sick after trying to consume 1 minced beef patty, I had to go straight to bed.

Yesterday, husband and I searched the symptoms and possibilities.  It may be that I have either an ulcer or an inflamed gallbladder.  Since I don’t have pain when my stomach is empty, I rule out the ulcer.  It is very common for women in their 50’s to have gall bladder problems.  From what I read, I think it is a good match, symptom-wise.  I cannot see a doctor until my residency paperwork comes back.  I really don’t know what to do, but I am getting leery of eating.  While writing this, I ate 3 small slices of cheddar with butter on top, and I am feeling nauseated and queasy. 

Is it the fat?  I have upped the fat in my diet over the last month, could it be that my gall bladder is not functioning as it should to break down the fats?  I will have to look more into this, see if there is anything I can do until I can see a doctor.

Any suggestions would be welcome.  Side note, it does not seem to matter what I eat, it causes nausea and pain at the end of a meal or sometimes before I finish.  I am most comfortable not eating physically (not psychologically, lol).  I really don’t know what to do. 

Oh, and while I am thinking about it, the last time I drank whiskey and got so sick?  The last couple of times I ate in a binge manner and got so sick….those times really surprised me because I felt it was so much less than anything I was able to consume in the past.  It didn’t feel right to get so sick on the amount as I was getting. 

My First Vlog Entry

Third day of binge-free-ness.  If I can make it through today and tomorrow, I’ll have it made through the weekend.  I have been messing with this video all morning, just trying to get it to post!

Yesterday I made a couple of Vlog entries.  It is very very strange to watch one’s self talk to no one.  I really don’t have any idea of what to do with it, but I think if I let it take on it’s own direction, something maybe helpful to me.  Maybe by watching myself explain it, I will be able to be the listener and detect something I would not otherwise.  Still, like I said, it is hard to watch myself talk.  I am a very quiet person and a wallflower in general.  Speaking is not something I do well.

I once again ate as much as I wanted yesterday to make staying on low carb more important than bingeing.  It felt so much easier to just eat than if I had known the calorie count.  Lorne is in general too high in carbs for a sausage meat, but we are just days away from payday and I am on eat-what-we-have rations. 

2 eggs, 2 rashers, 2 coffee, 4tsp double cream
cheddar cheese and butter, pot of tea
lorne topped with cheddar and an egg, pot of tea
pilchard fish with oil and mayonnaise (1/2 tin), pot of tea
2 minced beef patties, cauliflower and butter.  few rings of sautéed onion, 1 glass wine
2 cups coffee, 4tsp double cream

I could barely finish the fish at lunch, I think I hit my saturation point and definitely had a clear stop eating signal.  This, I notice, is different than the stop that comes with binge eating.  The difference is in the urge factor, the urge to continue to eat over the stop signal.  With real foods low in carbs and higher in fat and/or protein, my stop signal is clear and I want to stop.  With binge foods, the urge continues on even when I begin to feel sick or saturated with sugar or grains.  I wonder if this mechanism has to do with the survival instinct to eat to store it before winter or famine hits?  It’s like when I recently came across some wild blackberries.  I ate as many as I could while picking them, even though I wasn’t hungry.  Almost like I had to consume as much as I could before something happened.  (Not sure what, but the urge was there). 

I am trying to assess where I am at with everything, watching for potential triggers that might bounce me off into binge land again.  So far, this thing about not knowing the carb or calorie count makes it seem like there is nothing to stress over or worry about or get uptight over.  The ease of not knowing is wonderful.  When I concentrate on how good it feels, I gravitate towards it.  However, it doesn’t mean the thoughts down come knocking.  Just this morning, promptly at 9am, the knock came.  I wanted biscuits with my tea.  I wanted something crunchy and semi-sweet.  I had my cheddar and butter, that was great but the urge was still there.  I had some pilchard fish salad, that seems to tone it down a bit.  I knitted until I felt in control of myself and then sat down to write this out to hopefully convince myself it’s just not worth listening to the knocking.  Don’t answer.  Simple.

I did check my weight this morning.  A month ago I was 118.8kg.  I dropped to 115.8 on 9 Sept, bounced around a bit and the last weigh in it was 116.8.  This morning I am 117.8kg.  So not too bad for the eating extremes I have put my old body through this month.   NO extremes scheduled for October!  Simple LCHF and relaxing about it all.  Right?  Sigh.

Dealing with Tinned Fish

I remember watching my Grandmother take a tin of fish, dumping it in a bowl and mash it up.  She would add whatever ingredients to make fish cakes.  Loved the stuff.

When I was a young mother, I wanted to make some for my daughter.  I opened up a can of fish and was horrified at the yuck factor.  Depending on the fish and the company that processed them, there were bones and sometimes organs and fins!  Gag me with a spoon (or fish).  But I knew the fish was an inexpensive source of protein and it was necessary to have standby fish in the cupboard.  We ate a lot of tinned fish over the years.  Well worth the moment it takes to clean it up a bit.  Tinned fish is marvellous and high in all the right fats.

Anyways, I soon sorted out how to clean them and it was worth it.  If YUCK is not in your vocabulary, by all means just mash up the ingredients, the whole tin is cooked and the bones are soft.  I use the word YUCK a lot and so I scrape off the yuck factor before eating.

These are pilchards.  As soon as I opened the tin, there was plenty of golden oil that I poured into the bowl.  I didn’t want to lose it.  The ingredients list did not have added oil, so I have no idea if this is from the fish or they forgot to say oil on the list.  It doesn’t matter, I want it.

I then dump the contents out on a plate.  Pick up a fish, it will not have a head or tail (scales removed too) and the insides have been already removed.  I take a small knife and gently scrape off the skin off one side, flip and do the same on the other side, dumping it all onto the plate.  I use the knife and gently open the fish and the spine will stick to one side.

It’s okay to holler YUCK at this point.  Few of us moderns are forced to see spinal columns up close.  Take the knife, lift it up and onto the plate.  Place the two lovely filet halves in the bowl. Repeat.  It’s amazing that it usually comes up in one piece.  But don’t worry if small rib bones are left, they are soft, like chalk consistency. 

Then add lots of mayonnaise and mash.  I really like the hint of tomato in my fish salad, so I nearly always buy “in tomato sauce” even though only a little bit gets into the salad.  I NEVER buy any kind of fish packed in water.  Watered fish is dry and tasteless.  Always buy in oil or tomato. 

I just happened to have a small spoonful of soured cream, so I added that too.  You can add spices, or bits of onion, celery…whatever you like in your salad.  (I like it plain with cracked pepper).  Mash to the consistency that you like.  Eat with a spoon, or use as a dip with cucumber slices, celery or scoop some into a stalk of romaine and wrap the leaves around like a rollup.

Hint: if you have a dog or cat, they will love the removed bits.  If not, dump into the WC, NOT THE RUBBISH BIN.  You will regret that.  You’ll also regret not rinsing the tin out before tossing.  Trust me on that one.

That Brick Wall

Been testing my boundaries.  Binge on Monday, on plan yesterday.  Continuing to read Taubes, Good Calories, Bad Calories and nodding my head in a resounding yes at every page.

It’s cold and raining.  Nothing new there.  Food budget is very tight, so my binges are quite tiny, a small box of teacake or two.  Hardly worth calling a binge, but I continue on with the word be cause for me, it’s more about the behaviour than the amount of food.  Strangely, I haven’t had a notion about booze in quite some time.  I rarely even think of it. 

lunch yesterday, rashers and cucumber slices.

dinner yesterday, pork steak, a roasted carrot, brussel sprouts, a bit of onion.  I added a big knob of butter on the veggies.  Still only drinking one glass of wine with dinner. 

So even if binge, it is a one off moment in the  day, I always return to my regularly scheduled low carb foods at the very next meal.  I’ve had one binge in the last 4 days, not devastating to anything but my health and weight.  (sarcasm abounds).  I am not bingeing nonstop, nor every day.  I am not buying binge foods and keeping them in the house, I buy enough to eat in one sitting and if there are leftovers, I toss them.  I daresay it is nearly more of a bad habit than a need.

My mood is good though.  Not feeling angry or stressed.  The lure of a binge continues to rear it’s head near daily, always in the morning and doesn’t seem connected to my emotional state.  I do try and overcome it and most of the time I am successful.  All it takes is a bit of planning and occupying myself with a project or taking a walk if it’s not raining.  I often become flabbergasted (lovely word) as to why bingeing is so appealing.  It’s a sort of high I guess, it gives an initial thrill.  It is definitely a form of addiction and wallops in addictive behaviour.  According to all the head low carb researchers these days, the truth they claim is that grains and sugar are indeed addiction inducing substances.  I have yet to binge on healthy food.  No, the reality is, when I binge, it is a purposeful gorging on sugar and grains.  Food I do not really like, miss or particularly want or need.  Which makes no sense, but binge behaviour never did make sense.  Just like downing a bottle of gin makes no sense.  Compulsion has no reasoning to it.  When I want a martini, one is not enough.  I would much rather have 4.  I want enough to make it worth it.  Whatever than means.  I don’t want one cookie, I want as many as I can eat before I feel sick enough to stop.

I am tired though of analysing my motives and writing about every slip and every triumph.  Some days I do so well, some days I do so poorly.  I was reading in a sobriety group this past week about the just don’t do it no matter what philosophy.  Black and white, either – or.   Yesterday, when the brief urge was building momentum, I said NO.  The answer is NO.  I smiled, it was silly being my own parent, but it worked in the moment.  But the smile doesn’t last, it is a temporary solution at best.  The rebel will fight and fight dirty when confronted with authority.  Eventually the rebel will say HELL YES!

Eckhart Tolle talked about the real entity that we are.  It isn’t our thinking selves, it isn’t the self we perceive ourselves to be.  Our real entity is the one who can watch ourselves being.  There is a presence I sense when I want to just be and tell myself to shut up, quit yammering on about things that have endless and pointless nonsense about it.  If I just allow the peace and quiet to surround me, quit the noise and the rules and all the must do’s, I realize that everything I think is important has no importance at all.  What is, is.  I can allow the quiet self to guide me, or I can endlessly try and control that which cannot be controlled.  For me, it is like the analogy of constantly trying to take the shortest path by attempting to walk through a brick wall in obstinate determination, or to simply understand that I can walk around the wall without pain and hindrance.  It may take longer, but it is the path of least resistance.

Weight loss is like that wall.  I have been banging myself against it so long I think it must soon budge!  But I will never be strong enough to break through using the same methods that don’t work over and over again.  It’s time to let go, stop trying to make myself do what I continually fail to do and walk around it.  I see walking around the wall as the approach to it all.  It’s a willingness to stop fighting, battering, white knuckling, counting, measuring, plotting strategy, all those warrior like methods.  Making it a war with myself only means one of me will lose and be defeated in some permanent way. Hard core dieters carry battle scars!

It’s still raining.  It’s time for tea and my beloved cheese and butter.  Then off to work on my knitting project and hopefully I can let go of any binge thoughts this morning.

I have been feeding my mind, not my body.  When I feed my body, noticeable improvement happens.  I feel better.  My tangible body workings like blood sugar normalises.  I move more fluidly.  My mood improves.  When I feed my mind, I feed the insatiable mental hunger for things I feel I should not have for whatever deranged reason.  It can never be satisfied.  Which will it be today?

Clearing My Head

This morning, I put the finishing touches to a garment I sewed for a small antique doll. 

This is not what I have been doing early in the mornings, which is really delightful to me.  Instead of pouring over charts and calorie counts and entering food into a program, I simply worked on something I enjoy doing.  I like this so much better.  Relaxed, I see more, feel more.  Like seeing faces in the eggs this morning.  Last week I would have only seen the carb count.

I am still trying to clear my head of the counting crazies.  I am grateful though to have experienced it.  I was reminded at how it winds me up so tight, only to snap.  I do have small nagging fears of falling through the crack of permissiveness.  I had 3 bon bons last night with coffee and thought to myself, are you having them because you enjoy getting sick?  Or are you having them because you are not confronted with the carb count staring you in the face?  Just why, are you eating them?  I mumbled something about it being the weekend and not having any other kind of fun and all that sort of faded, but it lacked conviction.  Actually, I ate them because they were there.  Had they not been placed on the table next to the coffee, I would not have given them a thought.  Mind you, I am not blaming my husband for bringing them out, he has every right to.  We don’t make rules based on my lack of impulse control.  He wanted chocolate, I ate them.  Makes no sense.

So after I ate them, I waited for the punishment of illness but it didn’t come.  I felt fine all evening.  It’s so much easier to get worked up about doing something I shouldn’t when there is a horrid consequence!  lol.  This week is the last week of the month and payday always being the last day.  This means ultra care in choosing inexpensive groceries and no room for nonsense.  I am actually relieved.  There are extra rashers I can have for lunch and a can of fish.  That ought to do it.  I think I am “safe” from my own illogical thinking.

Yesterdays meals:
2 eggs, 2 rashers, 2 coffee with double cream
pot of tea
pollock fish salad (mayonnaise and left over salad greens)
Pot of tea
chicken breast, onion, stir-fry veggies, coq au vin sauce, glass of wine
2 coffee with double cream, 3 bon bons

On the weekends we are sleeping later and having breakfast around 7am instead of 5am.  I haven’t had a need for the cheddar and butter with my tea.  I felt nourished all day, no wild hunger of craving swings at all.