Stand Back, I am Crabbing

I think the worst damage that dieting has done to my way of thinking is that I am forever perplexed about how much food to eat.  I am doing quite well on going back to three meals a day, I am mindful of how much I put on my plate and I am not eating seconds.  Still, I have a nagging feeling that I am eating too much because I am not hungry.  I believe the point of eating normally is to not be hungry.  Years of dieting and bingeing have kept me in the extremes and to be in the middle ground is elusive and intangible to me.  I feel uncomfortable and unsure every time I sit down to eat.  Am I eating too much?  Shouldn’t I be more hungry?  I am so tempted to go back to my bowl to bring me a peace of mind about amounts.  At least there is the comfort of knowing only so much food can go into the bowl.  A plate still confounds me.  I have really tried to feel okay with a plate, but the spaces between the food make me see the food as a small amount.  I feel like I am placing food directly on the table and it just looks so expansive.  Granted it is easier to eat from a plate, especially with a knife and fork, but a bowl is more nurturing.  Mind-set, I know, but I am yearning for comfort when feeling a lack of direction.

I have been crabby and moody all weekend.  Listless, aching, and wishing to be free of everything that brings me down.  When a drug addict stops taking drugs, what fills up the space that the addiction filled?  I feel that way about giving up dieting.  Now what?  My mind cannot help but get stuck in the old ruts.  How much to eat?  Does this have too many carbs?  Should I worry about trace amounts of grain and sugar in sausages?  What do I write about in my diet blog? Perhaps this is all the gloomy crabbiness making me crazy.  Maybe a new direction?

I polished my bowl up, there was a smile about that.  On Thursday, I was in the throes of fighting off a binge at the store.  So great was the struggle that I ended up grabbing a low carb binge, duck pate and extra thick cream.  Wowzers, was that every bit as good as I could have imagined.  I must do that every time I am hit with a binge urge….super high fat creamy deliciousness.  BTW, both the cream and the pate were on sale, and that benefitted my grocery allowance!

Here is the “binge”.  See how lovely that thick cream is?  It tastes fabulous too!  The usual cheddar with butter still is a favourite too.  I sheepishly felt a ray of happiness filter in through the crabbiness jut because I was eating from my beloved bowl.

Normally I put mayonnaise on pate.  This is a different taste and very pleasing.

At lunch, I had the herring my husband bought for me.  Unfortunately the mustard sauce it was in was terribly sweet.  I didn’t eat the sauce, only what clung to the fish.  The other bowl was some leftover veggies from the night before and that was warmed up and I ate with my herring.

 

This is the plate I am using.  I did move to the plate because it bothered my husband that I seemed to be eating so little when using the bowl as compared to his plate.  This plate gives the impression I am eating so much more, but honestly, I feel stuffed eating this much. 

I need to give this bowl vs. plate another re-think.  I could simply put less on the plate.  I like the heaviness of the plate and it does go with my cup and saucer, and the little bowl I also love, the white one with the green stripe in the photo above.  Sigh.  Trading one obsession with another. 

I have 5 days of low carb under my belt, 6 days of morning walks.  As soon as the crabby mood lets go, I am sure I will be feeling much better.  The more time passes that my body is clearing a path to ketosis, the better my outlook.  For now, call me Queen of Crabbiness.

Pain with Eating

I was going to wait until Monday to update, but I feel like talking it out a bit.

This past couple of weeks have been awful, but interesting.  My digestion problems are continuing to plague me.  For a whole week I was fatigued, had bouts of nausea and the oddest thing: feeling like I am going to burst after a small to normal meal as though I had consumed more than my stomach could hold. At first, I thought I had gotten extremely sensitive to any foods/drink outside my normal low carb intake.  Then it started to feel like I was eating way too much, but when I looked at my plate, it didn’t seem right.

8 inch plate.  This meal made me feel as though I was going to burst.  I really felt pain in my upper stomach.  It passes after about 20 minutes.  I have stopped eating this much.

5 inch plate.  This caused the same amount of pain, although only for a few minutes. (minced beef patty with cheddar).

What could fit in the palm of my hand hurt to eat.

The last 4 days, when I ate a meal, I quickly went zooming past satiety to down right pain as though stuffed to the gills.  The wave of nausea, the pain high in the stomach, well I started to think this is not normal and something is going on.  I know I have slow digestion, but something else is going on.

On Friday, I ate 3 croissants with butter at 9am.  I could not believe the pain and discomfort.  By 5pm I was still uncomfortable and had not eaten another bite. I tried to eat dinner, but got so sick after trying to consume 1 minced beef patty, I had to go straight to bed.

Yesterday, husband and I searched the symptoms and possibilities.  It may be that I have either an ulcer or an inflamed gallbladder.  Since I don’t have pain when my stomach is empty, I rule out the ulcer.  It is very common for women in their 50’s to have gall bladder problems.  From what I read, I think it is a good match, symptom-wise.  I cannot see a doctor until my residency paperwork comes back.  I really don’t know what to do, but I am getting leery of eating.  While writing this, I ate 3 small slices of cheddar with butter on top, and I am feeling nauseated and queasy. 

Is it the fat?  I have upped the fat in my diet over the last month, could it be that my gall bladder is not functioning as it should to break down the fats?  I will have to look more into this, see if there is anything I can do until I can see a doctor.

Any suggestions would be welcome.  Side note, it does not seem to matter what I eat, it causes nausea and pain at the end of a meal or sometimes before I finish.  I am most comfortable not eating physically (not psychologically, lol).  I really don’t know what to do. 

Oh, and while I am thinking about it, the last time I drank whiskey and got so sick?  The last couple of times I ate in a binge manner and got so sick….those times really surprised me because I felt it was so much less than anything I was able to consume in the past.  It didn’t feel right to get so sick on the amount as I was getting. 

My First Vlog Entry

Third day of binge-free-ness.  If I can make it through today and tomorrow, I’ll have it made through the weekend.  I have been messing with this video all morning, just trying to get it to post!

Yesterday I made a couple of Vlog entries.  It is very very strange to watch one’s self talk to no one.  I really don’t have any idea of what to do with it, but I think if I let it take on it’s own direction, something maybe helpful to me.  Maybe by watching myself explain it, I will be able to be the listener and detect something I would not otherwise.  Still, like I said, it is hard to watch myself talk.  I am a very quiet person and a wallflower in general.  Speaking is not something I do well.

I once again ate as much as I wanted yesterday to make staying on low carb more important than bingeing.  It felt so much easier to just eat than if I had known the calorie count.  Lorne is in general too high in carbs for a sausage meat, but we are just days away from payday and I am on eat-what-we-have rations. 

2 eggs, 2 rashers, 2 coffee, 4tsp double cream
cheddar cheese and butter, pot of tea
lorne topped with cheddar and an egg, pot of tea
pilchard fish with oil and mayonnaise (1/2 tin), pot of tea
2 minced beef patties, cauliflower and butter.  few rings of sautéed onion, 1 glass wine
2 cups coffee, 4tsp double cream

I could barely finish the fish at lunch, I think I hit my saturation point and definitely had a clear stop eating signal.  This, I notice, is different than the stop that comes with binge eating.  The difference is in the urge factor, the urge to continue to eat over the stop signal.  With real foods low in carbs and higher in fat and/or protein, my stop signal is clear and I want to stop.  With binge foods, the urge continues on even when I begin to feel sick or saturated with sugar or grains.  I wonder if this mechanism has to do with the survival instinct to eat to store it before winter or famine hits?  It’s like when I recently came across some wild blackberries.  I ate as many as I could while picking them, even though I wasn’t hungry.  Almost like I had to consume as much as I could before something happened.  (Not sure what, but the urge was there). 

I am trying to assess where I am at with everything, watching for potential triggers that might bounce me off into binge land again.  So far, this thing about not knowing the carb or calorie count makes it seem like there is nothing to stress over or worry about or get uptight over.  The ease of not knowing is wonderful.  When I concentrate on how good it feels, I gravitate towards it.  However, it doesn’t mean the thoughts down come knocking.  Just this morning, promptly at 9am, the knock came.  I wanted biscuits with my tea.  I wanted something crunchy and semi-sweet.  I had my cheddar and butter, that was great but the urge was still there.  I had some pilchard fish salad, that seems to tone it down a bit.  I knitted until I felt in control of myself and then sat down to write this out to hopefully convince myself it’s just not worth listening to the knocking.  Don’t answer.  Simple.

I did check my weight this morning.  A month ago I was 118.8kg.  I dropped to 115.8 on 9 Sept, bounced around a bit and the last weigh in it was 116.8.  This morning I am 117.8kg.  So not too bad for the eating extremes I have put my old body through this month.   NO extremes scheduled for October!  Simple LCHF and relaxing about it all.  Right?  Sigh.